Susan JessicaI’ve always been a sucker for weird, quirky characters. The kind of people (or creatures, I guess) who make you go, “What on earth did I just walk into?” So when I found myself face-to-face with Old Gregg, the bizarre, one-eyed, seaweed-covered legend from The Mighty Boosh, I thought, “Why not? Let’s give this whole ‘friendship’ thing a shot.”
Anyway, here’s the kicker: It didn’t exactly turn out how I’d imagined. What was supposed to be a friendly chat ended with me screaming for my life in a dark cave. Classic, right?
So, Who the Heck is Old Gregg?
For those who haven’t been sucked into the rabbit hole of British humor, Old Gregg is the weirdest character from The Mighty Boosh. He’s a swamp-dwelling, disco-loving, funky-eyed creature who spends his days serenading the darkness and obsessing over his ‘special’ relationship with people. He’s a combination of quirky, creepy, and downright hilarious all rolled into one.
Now, if you’ve seen the show, you probably know exactly what I’m talking about. But let me tell you, seeing Old Gregg in person? A whole different experience. There’s something about him that’s just off—the kind of thing you feel in your bones. It’s like meeting a magical, murky version of your awkward uncle who might just invite you to join his “soul cleansing” water ritual at any given moment.
The First Time I Met Old Gregg
Alright, I’ll start from the top. It was one of those unplanned adventures, y’know? The kind where you’re wandering through a misty forest, not really sure where you’re going, but you just keep walking because it feels… interesting. Long story short, I found myself standing in front of a cave. This wasn’t some ordinary cave either—it was one of those creepy, dark caves where you’re not sure if there’s a treasure or a monster lurking inside.
The air was cold and thick, and I could barely see through the fog. But the real clincher? The sound. A soft, rhythmic hum that just… pulled me in. It wasn’t birds, it wasn’t wind—nope, it was definitely something weirder.
I stepped inside, because who wouldn’t? And that’s when I saw him. Old Gregg.
My First Glimpse of Old Gregg
Now, Old Gregg isn’t just some guy in a bad costume. Nah. The dude (or whatever he is) is a glowing-eyed, seaweed-covered entity that looks like he crawled out of a nightmare—and I mean that in the most real way possible. His eyes—those wide, unblinking things—were fixated on me like he was waiting for me to walk right up and say, “Hey, I’m your new best friend!”
He didn’t speak at first, just sat there in the murky waters of the cave, humming this oddly hypnotic tune. For a second, I thought I had walked into a weird dream. But no, this was real. Old Gregg was real.
And then he spoke.
“Do you love me?”
I’m pretty sure my brain short-circuited for a second. Like, love him? As in, “Do I love you as a friend”? Because that’s what I thought he meant. But no—he wasn’t asking for a polite response. Old Gregg was dead serious.
Uh, buddy, I was just trying to find my way out of this place.
Things Got Awkward Fast
At this point, I didn’t really know what to do. I mean, it’s not every day you’re asked by a glowing sea creature if you love him. So, I did what anyone would do in that situation: I awkwardly laughed it off.
“No, I don’t love you… I don’t even know you!”
He didn’t take offense. Actually, he seemed delighted by my response. And then, without warning, he floated over to me. Yes, FLOATING. The dude was gliding over the water like some sort of funky aquatic ghost. And in my head, I’m screaming, this is not normal, this is not normal at all.
Still, I tried to be polite. I wasn’t about to run off like a terrified lunatic (yet). So I awkwardly sat next to him, figuring we could at least chat. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, right? I mean, how weird could this really get?
A Bizarre Friendship?
Old Gregg was all too eager to tell me his life story. I’ll spare you the details, but let me just say this: his thoughts… they were a lot. Imagine trying to follow the most random string of consciousness that goes from, “I’m really into funk,” to “Do you ever wonder if fish ever dream of us?”
Y’all, it was like being stuck in a bad acid trip that never ended. And here I was, nodding along like I was totally understanding what he was saying. Meanwhile, I’m just thinking, I should’ve stayed in bed today.
Oh, and the weirdest part? He kept asking me questions. Like, really strange ones. I swear I heard something about whether I “knew what it was like to be underwater but not really” and something about a “disco fever” that “cures loneliness.”
Fast forward past three failed attempts to keep my lunch down, and I started thinking, Okay, I can handle this. How bad could it get, right?
The Ritual
And then it happened.
That moment.
Old Gregg smiled, his sharp teeth gleaming in the dim light, and asked if I’d join him in a “sacred friendship ritual” by the water. My first instinct was to run. But no, I stayed. Why? Because I was too polite. (sigh) And here’s where things go from bad to worse.
He started chanting in that odd voice of his—this weird, almost musical hum that made my skin crawl. His tendrils reached out, pulling me closer to the water, where it bubbled and splashed. I honestly don’t know how to explain what happened next except to say I was being submerged in water way too fast for comfort.
Now, if you know me, you know I can’t swim. Like, at all. So imagine my panic as Old Gregg’s seaweed-like appendages wrapped around my legs. And then—he laughed.
His laugh was deep and haunting, echoing in the cave. I screamed for help, but it was no use. It was just me and Old Gregg—and I was about to drown in his weird friendship ritual.
The Escape
This was it. This was how I died. But then—wait. It wasn’t. Because my brain kicked into overdrive. You are not getting killed by Old Gregg today.
With all my might, I shoved against his tendrils, gasping for air. The glowing algae around us flickered as I struggled to break free. And somehow, against all odds, I managed to break the grip. I bolted, running faster than I ever thought possible in a wet cave with slimy rocks underfoot.
But no, Old Gregg wasn’t done. He called out after me, still singing that weird tune.
“Will you love me, now?” he shouted.
And at that moment, all I could think was, Hell no!
Lessons Learned from Old Gregg
Looking back, I can’t say I regret the experience (okay, maybe a little), but I sure as hell learned some lessons:
- Trust your instincts: If something seems off, it probably is. I should’ve bolted when I saw Old Gregg in the first place.
- Be careful about what friendships you try to forge: Not every invitation to “be friends” should be taken seriously—especially if it comes from a glowing, aquatic, one-eyed creature.
- Know when to say no: If someone offers you a weird underwater ritual, don’t hesitate. Say no, and get the hell out of there.
Old Gregg might’ve wanted me to be his friend, but let me tell you, I’m good. It’s funny how quickly your perception of friendship changes when your life is on the line. Old Gregg may be unforgettable, but not in a way I’d ever want to experience again.
The next time someone offers me a weird, “magical” friendship, I’ll be the first to say, “Thanks, but no thanks.” Because honestly? I’ve had enough weird for a lifetime.
Richard Joseph
