Susan JessicaGoro Majima. If you’ve played Yakuza, you know the name. The man is pure chaos in a leather jacket. A literal whirlwind with a sharp tongue, a sharper sword, and one heck of an unpredictable personality. Naturally, after spending what felt like hours replaying Yakuza 0 (I know, I should’ve been doing literally anything else), I thought, “What if I tried to be him for a day? What if I could tap into that erratic, ‘Mad Dog’ energy?”
Spoiler alert: It didn’t go as planned. And by “didn’t go as planned,” I mean I ended up flat on my back. So, buckle up—here’s my wild, embarrassing, yet strangely enlightening tale of trying to be Goro Majima and ending up in a pile of regret. And a bruised ego.
The Allure of Goro Majima
Let me take a moment and explain why I wanted to be like Goro Majima in the first place. I mean, it’s not like I thought I could become a legitimate Yakuza boss. (That’d be ridiculous… right?) But there’s just something about the guy—his flair, his unpredictability, his total refusal to follow any kind of rulebook—that’s magnetic.
Goro Majima, the self-proclaimed Mad Dog of Shimano, is the kind of character who grabs your attention and refuses to let go. I mean, this dude has a literal eye patch and doesn’t care if he’s got a few screws loose. His personality? A chaotic storm of wit, violence, and irreverence. He’s not just a fighter—he’s a showman. A damn performance artist with a penchant for martial arts and a whole lotta flair.
His battle style? Wild and unpredictable. His mannerisms? Over-the-top and dramatic. His whole thing is just so… entertaining. He’s the kind of character who gives off “chaotic energy” without even trying, and that’s what drew me in. Maybe I could channel that energy for one day. Big mistake.
The Moment of Inspiration: The Majima Spark
So, there I was, half-watching Majima swing a crowbar around in one of Yakuza 0’s wildest fights, and I thought, “Okay, this is the guy I want to be today.” I mean, come on, who doesn’t want to be as effortlessly confident as Goro Majima? I’d never have to worry about the awkward small talk at parties again, right? Just Majima’s Mad Dog swagger and attitude.
I spent the next few minutes planning my outfit, which was going to be 100% Majima-inspired. Don’t laugh—I’m serious. I got the eye patch, I wore a sleek black suit with a patterned shirt underneath (the kind that screams “I’m a badass”), and I walked around like I had a full-on entourage.
Was it over the top? Absolutely. Did I look ridiculous? Oh, for sure. But in my head? I was Goro Majima. In my head, I was unstoppable. I even practiced my Majima one-liners. “You’re not worthy of Majima!” I shouted at my dog, who immediately ran to the other room, like, “I’m out.” But whatever. It felt good.
Majima’s Fighting Style: Let’s Just Say I’m No Martial Artist
I don’t know what I was thinking. Like, I knew I wasn’t some martial arts prodigy, but watching Majima unleash his chaos in the game made me feel like I could do it too. After all, the dude moves with the fluidity of a snake, right? How hard could it be to pull off a spinning kick or two?
Here’s where things went south real quick.
First Attempt: “The Majima Sweep”
So, I’m standing in the middle of my living room, ready to pull off what I assumed would be an epic “Majima Sweep.” You know, that low kick he uses to knock his enemies to the floor? Yeah, I was going to do that. I lined up some pillows to act as my “opponents” and got into position.
I crouched low—channeling my inner Majima—and then… whoosh. I executed the move with what I thought was precision.
But no. Not at all.
Instead of sweeping the pillows, I knocked the coffee table over, sending a cascade of remote controls and a half-empty mug of cold coffee onto the floor. Not exactly the graceful display I envisioned.
Fast-forward past three failed attempts (which ended in me injuring my pride and questioning my life choices), and I decided, “Okay, fine. Maybe the floor moves need more practice.” So I moved on to his spinning kicks.
Second Attempt: The Spinning Disaster
I watched him do it over and over—Majima just spinning around with a kick that would make Chuck Norris proud. I tried to mimic the move. One spin, two spins, and… I lost my balance. My foot caught on the rug, and I went straight down.
In that moment, I realized—there’s a difference between playing a video game and being a video game character. Because I was sprawled out on my floor, contemplating all the bad life choices that led me to this moment. The worst part? My neighbors probably heard my shouts of frustration, and they probably thought I was in a fight. With my furniture. So, yeah. Embarrassing.
Reality Check: The Truth About Goro Majima
Here’s the thing. Majima’s fighting style isn’t just about being wild and unpredictable. It’s not something you can pick up in a day—or a week. It takes years of training, a lot of pain, and intensity. His moves are a mix of calculated chaos, and I? Well, I’m just over here tripping over my own feet.
What I learned—besides the fact that I’m probably better off sticking to my 5-minute workout YouTube videos—is that Goro Majima isn’t just about the physical. It’s his attitude that makes him so compelling. He owns every room he walks into with nothing but swagger and an intimidating grin. There’s no hesitation, no second-guessing. He’s a force. He doesn’t just act confident—he is confident.
Why I’ll Never Be Majima, But I’ll Try to Be More Like Him Anyway
So, here’s where I got real. I wasn’t going to become a Yakuza boss any time soon (I mean, obviously), but maybe there was something to Majima’s outlook on life that I could apply to my own. The dude is relentless, no matter the odds.
And that’s what really struck me. I couldn’t fight like him, sure, but I could be more like him in terms of confidence and resilience. The confidence to walk into a room and just own it, no matter how weird my outfit might be. The resilience to face obstacles and keep going, even when things don’t go according to plan (which, as it turns out, is always).
The Real Majima Lesson: Resilience Over Everything
One of Majima’s most admirable qualities isn’t his fighting prowess. It’s his refusal to give up. No matter how many times he gets knocked down—whether in battle or in life—he always gets back up.
And while I was on the floor, nursing a bruised ego, I realized that that was the real lesson to take away from Goro Majima. It’s not about being a perfect fighter. It’s about pushing through when everything’s going wrong. Just like Majima does every single time.
The Takeaway: I Didn’t End Up As Majima, But I Did Learn
So, did I “become” Goro Majima? No. Did I think I could become a Yakuza legend for a day? Yeah. But the reality is, Goro Majima’s greatness isn’t in his fighting ability. It’s in his unshakeable confidence and determination. I might not have walked away from my attempts a martial arts expert, but I did walk away with a new appreciation for Majima’s resilience.
Will I try it again? Probably not. But I’m definitely going to walk with a little more swagger, maybe—just don’t expect me to start a street fight with my coffee table anytime soon.
Richard Joseph
